Life is rarely worry-free, but hey, in my youth I’d been confronted with different types of challenges. One of my biggest struggles had been around not having enough free disk space on my Windows XP. And operating a cluttered, running out of space computer felt like moving in a swamp. The worst scenario would be a system crash.
Defragmentation was a nice quick fix, unless I’d get dreadful messages like “Your computer does not have enough free memory to defrag the drive. Quit one or more programs “or “Not enough disk space to properly complete operation, delete unwanted files".

Nowadays, I’m bringing a lack of free space to the whole new level. This year, I have been running out of space in my life. Haven’t had much leeway to let my mind wonder, to meaningfully be with myself, to move my body, to enjoy rich and diverse life beyond work and screens.

One of the things I remember well from my Catholic days is this call for all to be saints. It looks like something from it stayed with me - I now think we are all called to be mystics.

But let’s start at the beginning.

I was born in an overwhelmingly Catholic country and raised on the milk of religious certainty and spiritual superiority.

I became a pious and orthodox devotee, ready to subordinate my life to the Catholic God and religious values. Think I might exaggerate? How about this: I spent a few years in a seminar, almost became a priest, and did my master’s degree in theology as a side effect of all that.  

Dancing with the stars? How about dancing with the planets! Early in the mornings, outside, I usually put 1-2 songs on and let the music take me over. And these last few months, I’ve been tuning in not just to the music but – more and more - to our Solar System. It all started with Venus and now it’s the whole planetary shebang: Venus, Mars, Jupiter and Saturn are all well visible in the wee hours. I look at them and try to picture that they are all cruising through space at unimaginable speeds (a couple dozen km/s). It feels almost unreal to see them all lined up together and to feel like I’m connecting with them through my dance. It feels mystical.

For a very long time, we thought that the sky was a solid dome. The Sun, Moon, and all the other shiny objects would be plugged into it, like bulbs and lights on a Christmas tree. This belief was shared by everyone from Aristotle to Judaism believers, and it stayed with us as the dominant model through the Classical and Medieval times. Consequently, for many (hello my Christian ancestors) it was a no-brainer to deduct that stars were merely holes in the dark firmament of the final celestial sphere. They let us glimpse the divine light of God and his Heavens – the light leaking out from Paradise.

It took Copernicus, Bruno (condemned by both the Roman Catholic and Reformed Churches and burnt alive in Rome in 1600 for heresy), Kepler, Newton and a few others – in other words: it took science – to show us that we got it all backwards.

The vast majority of what we do, think and feel is not under our conscious control.

Part of it is explained by psychology: studies show that 95% of our behaviours are the result of learned habits.

But that’s not the whole story. For the biggest part, we are driven by genetics and, more broadly, by our biological programming. This includes things like our inborn preferences about beauty and feelings of attraction - e.g. being attracted to a specific sex. Those preferences are deeply hardwired and, as such, operate above the deliberation of the conscious mind. While we can reshape some of them - like expanding our sexual preferences – others might be set in stone. For instance, it is very unlikely that we find any animal (other species) attractive in the way we find humans.

What comes to your mind when you hear the word “burnout”? For me, it’s pretty standard – too much stressful work over a sustained period of time.

And guess why I’m writing about it right now? Yep – these months I’ve been working more than I’m used to.

One definition on the web told me that “burn out” (written separately) means melting of a wire by an electric current of too great quantity.

My attitude towards electricity might be close to what ancient people felt when looking at the stars – electricity seems magical, unknown and dangerous. Still, I fathom that there needs to be a central controller (transformer) managing how much current is allowed to flow through, thus preventing overheating.

“Resistance is useless!” shouted a guard as he was about to throw off two humans out of the Vogon spaceship and into deep space. This happened in an epic book Hitchhikers Guide Through the Galaxy.

Even though the Vogons are described as one of the most dull and unpleasant races in the Galaxy, having as much sex appeal as a road accident, I think that the guard was actually enlightened. “Resistance is useless”. Yep, I’d much rather trade resistance for acceptance.

Admittedly, acceptance is a tough superpower to learn but practice makes perfect. And don’t we have loads of opportunities to practice accepting rather than resisting?!

I absolutely love the sight of ducks floating calmly on water. To me, they are archetype of meditators or even contemplators. They seem fulfilled and realized beings. They “know” exactly what is it to be a duck, there is no asking what’s my duck purpose, why I have to clean my feathers a fifth time today or float on the same pond day after day. And when they get into a duck-fight, a few seconds later they just flap their wings, shake their bump, and then look like nothing has happened.

What is it that makes us mature human beings? Is it about being balanced, self-motivated, growing more conscious, having many perspectives, being able to accept and embrace the inevitable or uncertain?

Admittedly, witnessing my son growing up taught me a great deal about maturity. And it showed me that maturity, much like intelligence, has many dimensions.

There are very few concepts that are as powerful as taking full responsibility.

For a long time, I thought that I take proper responsibility for my life and everyday stuff. Right…

Living in a family has been a merciless verifier and reality-check of that (and a bunch of other things). Bottom line: I continue to suck at being responsible.

I remember reading in one of the books of a parenting expert, Jesper Juul that 80% of mothers see themselves as single parents. Even though they have husbands. And the crucial thing here is that it is not about 80/20 split (or whatever these numbers could be) in home duties. The reason why women feel lonely in their parenting is that they feel that 100% of the responsibility for kids rests on their shoulders. How can this be? Who is remembering about buying kids' new clothes, their routine doctor visit, shoe size? If it's only a mother, it is she who bears the full burden of responsibility. And it doesn't matter how helpful a father is with everyday home duties. Only when both parents assume 100% of the responsibility for their children, it is a true partnership.

This week I got vaccinated.

I’m one lucky son of the… Earth.

Here I am, sitting comfortably and typing, while my hyper-intelligent body decodes an injected biological message. It tells my cells to make a certain type of proteins that will eventually lead to my immunity to COVID. After my cells receive the instructions, the message will be self-destructed, like messages from the Inspector Gadget cartoon. And all this is happening without me making the slightest conscious effort. Crazy!

Do you remember times in your life when someone gave you his/her full presence? It feels good, doesn’t it? It’s a profound experience to be seen and understood.

Presence is conveying love, care, and appreciation. True presence is the most precious gift that we can give to someone we hold dear. Ultimately, this extends to everyone and anyone. And when we are alone, mindful presence with what is is the best gift we can offer to ourselves.

I’m on a mini holiday and I just took an early morning walk to explore the new surroundings. It’s a combination of blocks of flats, big streets – empty and quiet at that hour, and a fair amount of greenfield sites. Those are undeveloped lands that are often left to evolve naturally. Here, these are wild, green areas, making for a stark contrast with the heavy urban architecture.

This landscape is quite familiar to the one I grew up in. I lived in a tower block - ah, that Soviet-era architecture! Close-by, there was a full-blown greenfield land (with time it turned into a wild football field, a car park, and finally a supermarket; what an emblematic fate!).

I think I did something illegal.

I bought a cargo e-bike to cycle with my son to his school. It came from the US with a neat 500W motor, only that its power is reduced to 250W on the EU market. And oh boy, Lisbon is a hilly place. The gravity works against me too – the combined weight of me, my kid, and the bike is around 140 kg. So I found a way to tamper with the controller settings and unleash the bike’s full potential. I’m not proud of bending the rules, but now the bike is optimized for the realities of our daily commute. No more huffing and puffing.

It made me think about optimization.

I’m French. I live for my children. I’m a scientist. I’m a woman. I’m John Kowalski. I’m a failure.

We all have something that we strongly identify with. And yet, many spiritual traditions teach that identity is a source of suffering.

If I was to ponder why, here’s what comes to mind:

The pandemic is affecting us very unevenly. But one thing stands out for us all - while we are in this together, often we have been experiencing this togetherness “locked down” and alone.

Being deeply social creatures, we need physical contact with other humans. No wonder we crave to get out to the world already. But before your social agenda fills up again, lend me your "ear"! There are still yummy opportunities to explore in the midsts of Covid.