own your reality
There are very few concepts that are as powerful as taking full responsibility.
For a long time, I thought that I take proper responsibility for my life and everyday stuff. Right…
Living in a family has been a merciless verifier and reality-check of that (and a bunch of other things). Bottom line: I continue to suck at being responsible.
I remember reading in one of the books of a parenting expert, Jesper Juul that 80% of mothers see themselves as single parents. Even though they have husbands. And the crucial thing here is that it is not about 80/20 split (or whatever these numbers could be) in home duties. The reason why women feel lonely in their parenting is that they feel that 100% of the responsibility for kids rests on their shoulders. How can this be? Who is remembering about buying kids' new clothes, their routine doctor visit, shoe size? If it's only a mother, it is she who bears the full burden of responsibility. And it doesn't matter how helpful a father is with everyday home duties. Only when both parents assume 100% of the responsibility for their children, it is a true partnership.
Related to this, one of my biggest eye-openers was an illustrated story about the mental load that women assume in managing households. Honestly, if you are a man and have not read this yet, do everyone a favour and read it now. We think we are supportive, helpful, and progressive, but there is a lot of catching up with the reality that still needs to happen for men.
Before I pass on to other spheres of our lives, let me drop the last family-related example of assuming responsibility. Here’s another blunt fact: if we experience conflicts with our children (and we all do, kind of every day), it is always on us. Children are just not mature enough to be blamed for conflicts with adults. 100% of the responsibility for fixing the mess is on us. To make a child feel guilty and expect her to make the first step in restoring the connection is cruel. It is not something that their fragile psyche is ready for.
Here are some other areas and questions that can help with the concept of being truly responsible:
- When you talk to someone and don’t feel understood, do you blame the other person or assume that it was you who was not clear enough?
One of the Neuro-Linguistic Programming principles says that the meaning of communication is the response that you get. If you don’t get the response you want, it’s your fault. What an amazing concept to chew on!
- How often do you use the word “but”?
Take the word ‘but’ out of your dictionary. “I was an asshole”. No ‘but’. Full ownership.
In his “unsolicited advice” article, Kevin Kelly wrote: “Your best response to an insult is “You’re probably right.” Often they are.”
- Something is not working with someone? How about asking “how can this be my fault”?
- I am thrown into a bad mood because of someone. Is this person really responsible, or it is my responsibility for how I react to the external stimulus? A holocaust survivor Viktor E. Frankl famously wrote: “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” That’s the space where the magic can happen. That’s the space that affirms our humanity and agency.
- Blaming the traffic for being late somewhere…?
- When we fail at something, do we own it? Do we say: I screw up, I wasn’t forward-thinking, it wasn’t for me? Or rather: that person didn’t like me, this and that happened, I was unlucky.
- Media are responsible for reporting distorted and negative news? How about admitting that it is not their role to provide us with a balanced view of reality. It is up to us – consumers, to learn how and where to consume the news.
- Pollution done by developing countries? It is the developed world that has caused the majority of pollution so far. It has been fucking up the planet for decades on end. I am the end-user of this technological progress, and I also bear responsibility for the effect it had on the planet. Now others want to catch up, to have electricity, clean water. Billions of people still don’t even have washing machines. Yes, this takes more energy and hence impacts pollution levels. But are we prepared to let go of our comfort and start washing our sheets and pants with our hands? If not, why do we think they should? What we need are smarter solutions that will let people thrive all over the planet, and not putting blame on others.
Why would we want to assume all the responsibility? Because it’s tremendously empowering. We take back the driving seat in our lives rather than feel moved by circumstances that are out of our control. It’s full ownership - we can own all our choices and how we respond to the external. Only by taking responsibility first, we can start making decisions that can effect change in our lives. Being “response-able” is the very essence of our freedom. And it’s even more than that. We can discover that we have God-like powers. We can create our reality.
So let me finish with Alan Watts:
"And then we get this strange feeling that we have never had in our lives - except occasionally by accident some people get a glimpse - that we are no longer this 'poor little stranger and afraid in a world it never made', but that you are this universe, and you are creating it at every moment … And that's the birth of responsibility because otherwise you can always look over your shoulder and say: 'Well, I am the way I am because my mother dropped me, and she dropped me because she was neurotic because her mother dropped her', and way we go back to Adam and Eve, or to a disappearing monkey or something, and we never get at it … So, cheer up. You can’t blame anyone else for the kind of world you’re in."
This post flows with: BLOND-ISH - It Starts Now (Alan Watts) + Peaches - Keine Melodien: From Acid Pauli Stilleeinfugen Part 2
