what's hijacking our presence and 4 ways to sharpen it

painting: Joanna Kniaź-Hawrot

Do you remember times in your life when someone gave you his/her full presence? It feels good, doesn’t it? It’s a profound experience to be seen and understood.

Presence is conveying love, care, and appreciation. True presence is the most precious gift that we can give to someone we hold dear. Ultimately, this extends to everyone and anyone. And when we are alone, mindful presence with what is is the best gift we can offer to ourselves.

But it is hard to be fully present because it requires undivided attention. And our attention is often at the mercy of our memories, fears, regrets, to-do lists, phone notifications - the whole shebang. It’s those times when we are in one room with someone we know, and yet it feels like we are miles away because we are so absorbed in our thoughts. Or when we “enjoy” a walk in a forest, but we are not in the forest really. We are in our heads, replaying and analysing a conversation that we had with someone. Even if it happened many years ago!

This self-absorption is a massive leak and a thief of presence. It’s maddening when I think how often - instead of enjoying all the beauty around me - I’m consumed by masturbatory patterns of my thoughts.

4 ways to sharpen our presence

But there is hope. There are many ways to strengthen our capacity for presence. Here are a few ideas:

1. A good place to start is getting to know our mind a bit more. Just by observing it. Even if the main discovery might be that it’s filled with constant self-talk, often plain gibberish. Knowing and noticing this, moment by moment, is already a great start.

2. The second lead is being more intentional. Let’s say that you are about to enter a dining room to join your family for a meal. At that point, it’s good to take a few moments to reflect on what type of energy are we bringing with us to the table. Perhaps I’m a bit agitated, impatient, absorbed in my own shit. If I’m unreflectively joining my family with those energies, they will feel it, and it will affect them. Instead, before entering, I can quickly scan my emotional state and make an intention to offer them the best of me. I can clear my mind and enter the room with my full presence, care, and appreciation.

3. Something more subtle that helps with being present is gently observing and feeling someone’s breath. If we can connect with it or even align our breath with that of the other person, it can be a profound body-to-body anchor for presence.

4. Coming to the last tip, I couldn’t finish without mentioning an elephant in the room – smartphones. It happens to us all us to have our phone placed nearby (e.g. on a table) when we talk with someone. The trouble is that its mere presence is like putting up an antenna broadcasting a subconscious message. And the message is that the other person is not our centre of attention. From here it can even get comical. If someone actually calls us, we could pick up the phone, look at the screen, and then nonchalantly inform the other person that we will not take the call because we are with them. Anyhow, by now, phones are hardwired to us and exert a heavy gravitational pull on our attention (even if they are hidden in our pockets). So if we want to give someone our full presence, the further away our phone is, the better.

The ability to be truly present is a superpower. And it’s a muscle that can be trained. At any moment. Isn’t that great?

This post flows with: Estas Tonne, Istvan Sky Kék Ég, Pablo Arellano, Indrė Kuliešiūtė - The Song of the Butterfly