on this thing that we are all really good at: making mistakes
It was last Sunday. My 9-year-old son was having a friend sleeping over at our place. His dad came before noon to pick him up. I had exciting family plans for the rest of the day, but the boys said that they wanted to continue playing together. I abruptly said no, I wanted time just with my family. Only that I was away the day before and in the end, I forgot to properly discuss our Sunday plans. And it didn’t help that I hadn’t interacted with my son much on Sunday morning. At that moment I was a stranger and intruder for him. He was hurt and immediately shut down on me. Only then I realized my mistake, and it took another 1.5 hours of loving patience and showing him how sorry I was to open him up again.
One of my favourite, most helpful, and liberating life observations is the simple fact that we all fuck-up, and we do this with astonishing regularity. Below is my ideal scenario of dealing with our missteps towards other fellow humans.
Let’s start with a ground level, where the life-long work takes place. In this context, it’s sourcing my intentions and interactions in an ongoing practice of self-awareness and empathy. This helps me to understand better both myself and other people’s frame of reference. I also keep in mind that perception comes before the actual reality (we all inhabit our own subjective words). This automatically gives legitimacy to “different”.
Besides its preventive benefits, this deep work is a prerequisite for recognizing that we have just crossed a line. And the more our understanding matures, the more nuanced and sensitive our fuck-up radar will be. This means being able to catch not just gross mistakes, but also more subtle ones. And that’s a precious currency with people we spend the most time with. It’s because the tiny, seemingly innocent slips, that keep on repeating, with time can have ugly compounding properties.
All right, so I just made my 24th mistake today and I noticed it. Still, between my error and my desired reaction to it, there is a jungle of feelings and options.
First, I need to be honest with myself about my misjudgement and the effect it has on another person. Then I want to act upon this realization. There are a few main traps that can impede this process and I have gone through all of them all too often!
The first defence mechanism can make me ignore or repress the fact that I messed up. I pretend that nothing happened or assume that it will just dissolve with time.
I can also feel resigned and lazy to face the situation. I can already hear the voice in my head saying: “Oh, fuck it, I don’t have the energy or motivation to deal with this messy reality, again and again. Just leave me alone”.
Another trap is collapsing into my own weakness and insecurities. “I did it again, I’m stupid, lousy, I never learn, I’m a useless parent” etc.
The opposite of this will be feeling a surge of self-righteousness, becoming stern, resentful, tensed and uncompromising. It’s rooted in an unconscious and inexplicit expectation that people should read our minds (just like our parents did when we were a few months old). This one is particularly damaging psychologically. It can shut us down and lead to silent treatments. There were periods in my life when I was definitely guilty of this. My immaturity would express itself in a day or several days of aggressive silence toward my closest ones. And then after a day or two, I would begin to see just how ridiculous my perceived notion of being hurt is or even start forgetting what it was all about. At the same time, my pride would keep me from talking. What a sad vicious circle.
So what is the desired reaction when I make a mistake?
It’s catching my mistake as early as possible.
It’s recognizing all the shadows that are rising around it, breathing with them and giving them a big smile.
It’s softening my whole body.
It’s knowing that mistakes offer an exceptional, unparalleled opportunity for growth, and are a precious teacher of humbleness.
It’s remembering that when someone spontaneously and instantaneously reflects our mistakes back to us, it’s a gift rather than nuisance.
Finally, it’s apologizing as fast as possible, with true sincerity and depth of presence. And it does not always have to be with solemn verses. In many instances, our bodies are perfectly capable of expressing more than words.
In all this, it’s so important to remain gentle with ourselves. I hurt someone’s feelings. But I didn’t mean to. It makes me feel sad, but I give myself space for making mistakes and doing my best to fix them. Over and over again.
One last thought on something that is way more transformative than admitting to our mistakes and acting upon it. Sometimes it’s others that will owe us apology. By holding the grudge, we risk making far more damage than it might have been done in the original affront. Clinging to our sense of being hurt or disrespected is like cultivating rotting food in our psyche.
When, on the other hand, our sense of value is not attached to the external, when we trust that people don’t have inherently bad intentions, when we don’t always think that it’s about us, then we can learn to forgive daily. We can take active initiative when offended and move this transformational energy around.
When my son’s disappointment finally dissolved on that Sunday and when he accepted my apologies, for the remaining of the day we were much closer and dearer to each other than we would ever get without making and repairing my mistake.
This post flows with Yaima - Pellucidity
